Many of the styles below get little or no recognition. Many are in fact dying out or being replaced by ones that “really work”. We thought we’d share our insights and research into “The Top 5 secret and endangered martial art styles”.
5. Lady Bug-fu
The deadly skill behind Lady Bug-fu is to look sooooo cute that people want to let you walk on them. It’s really a style made for someone very small. Extremely small when you think about it. Your hidden skill, behind being oh so cute is that you’re filled with deadly poison. It’s really a niche art where: you need to be cute, really small, and filled with poison. As you can imagine, even if you qualify for the first two aspects of the art, learning how to remain filled up with a deadly poison is quite hard. Many practitioners try to work up to this level by substituting deadly poison for really smelly cheeses, large amounts of garlic, or simply not brushing their teeth for months. Sadly this often just makes lady-bugfooists cute and repulsive at the same time which is not the goal of the art. At the time of this post a high-ranking Lady Bug-fu Sensei was not able to meet with us, but I did have an itch yesterday that I HOPE wasn’t him. I hope.
4. Clam-ryu
As a martial art Clam-ryu may be one of the simplest to learn yet least practiced arts in the world. The Clam-ryu practitioner simply walks around with their mouth open waiting for someone to attack them by sticking their hand in. Once the attackers hand has breached the boundaries of the teeth, the Clam-ryu stylist snaps their jaws shut on the digits causing much pain and (pun intended) gnashing of teeth. The trick in this art is to get the attacker to put their hand in your mouth. That is not an easy feat. To do this the Clam-ryu artist must “bait the trap” by placing something of value in their mouth. Traditionally a pearl was used but since it is easily swallowed and generally not that recognizable from a distance many do not use this bait in modern times. Of the stylists we talked to recommendations for bait ranged from brightly colored candy, to an iPhone. It is of worthy note that those with larger mouths tend to excel at Clam-ryu.
3. Camel-do
Love long walks and the outdoors? Enjoy storing a large amount of water inside of your body? Then Camel-do may be the style for you. This style is most useful if you live on or near a desert, as a critical part of the art is your ability to walk for hundreds of miles in one direction, leading your opponent to die of thirst. Followers of Camel-do are skilled in the art of negotiation as well. For when they are attacked they are able to prolong the engagement by telling the attacker such things as “I’d really rather do this somewhere else, could you follow me” or “I’ve got more money, um, over there…”. Once the attacker has fallen for the ruse it’s simply a matter of walking for a few days in the desert sun to become victorious. We were not successful in learning the secrets behind storing large amounts of water inside of your body, the critical technique behind Camel-ryu. Apparently it is a closely guarded secret handed down to only one master per generation. But be aware, if a person that you’re angry with wants you to follow him AND they happen to have an extremely large hump on their back, you just may be walking into certain death.
2. MosquiDo
Light on your feet and annoying as hell. That is the slogan of the Mosquito-do or MosquiDo martial artist. Similar to martial arts whose movements mimic those of animals, the MosquiDo practitioners are quite similar to the Mosquito. One distinction that students of MosquiDo are quick to point out is that there are no striking movements or attacks of any kind in their art. They rely on provoking, prodding and annoying the all living shit out of the attacker by moving in close to their ears and making a sound so irritating that you are helpless to stop from slapping your own head to make it stop as they deftly slip out of range of the blow. A few hundred applications of this technique render the attacker stunned with hearing loss and lessened equilibrium and also quite a few nasty red marks on the head. MosquiDo artists are usually very fast on their feet and slight of build which enables them to engage in this art successfully. But, because of their size one misstep on their part will usually get them flattened.
1. Way of the Salmon
As aquatic martial arts go the “Way of the Salmon” is number one. Meaning that it is the only martial art specifically designed to be used in water. In fact it can ONLY be used in water. In fact fact it can only be used in streams where there is a strong current. The Salmon artist, provoked in a stream, is skilled in the way of swimming against the current and away from danger, as the attacker struggles to keep up and eventually quits. The Way of the Salmon is another art – that while classified as “martial” and a “budo” has no strikes of any kind. It’s chief and only technique is to, and I quote “swim away!”. While less flashy than some of the aforementioned styles, the Salmon stylists are a proud lot, though they have a reputation for provoking “fights” just so they can practice. So if you happen to be fishing and someone calls you a name then starts swimming upriver you may be one of the lucky few to have laid eyes on a real live Salmon master.
